The guest who is always invited back
The polite quarter of an hour, the right gift, the delicate matter of flowers and the note the next day: being a guest is an art, and hostesses compete for those who master it.
Every hostess has her list. It is written down nowhere, but it exists: the guests you call first when planning a dinner, the ones who make an evening easy. They are not necessarily the most brilliant or the funniest. They are attentive. And that attentiveness shows in a handful of gestures, from the reply to the invitation through to the following day.
Reply, quickly
It all begins with a prompt reply, ideally within forty-eight hours. An unanswered invitation forces the host to chase, to recount, to rethink the shopping. If you cannot come, say so simply, with a word of sincere regret, without launching into long justifications. And if you have an allergy or a particular diet, mention it then, once, without making it a topic.
The polite quarter of an hour
For dinner at someone’s home, never arrive early. Hosts often finish their preparations until the last minute, and a guest who rings at the exact time catches a hostess still in her apron. In France, people observe the “quart d’heure de politesse”: you arrive ten to fifteen minutes after the stated time. Beyond thirty minutes, let them know.
This leeway applies only to private dinners. For a business meeting, a restaurant, a ceremony or a performance, be on time. And it stops at the border: in Germany, Switzerland or the Nordic countries, punctuality is expected even among friends.
What to bring
A good bottle, chocolates, a speciality from your region, a beautiful book, a candle. Avoid home-made dishes your host would feel obliged to serve, and desserts that would compete with theirs. And do not expect the bottle you bring to be opened during dinner: it is a gift, not a contribution.
The matter of flowers
Flowers are a delicate gift, in every sense. Arriving with a bouquet forces the hostess to abandon her guests to look for a vase and trim the stems, just when she is busiest. The most elegant custom is to have them delivered on the day, before dinner, or the next day as a thank-you. If you insist on bringing them, choose an arrangement that is already made up.
- An odd number of flowers, except thirteen.
- Never chrysanthemums, which in France are reserved for the dead.
- No red roses for a hostess: they speak of love.
- When in doubt, white or seasonal flowers.
At the table
The guest who is always invited back talks to both neighbours. This is perhaps the most important rule, and the most often forgotten. You do not spend the evening turned towards the person you find most interesting while your other neighbour stares at their plate. Share your attention, alternating naturally as the courses go by.
They also pay compliments, simply and precisely. “It’s delicious” is kind. “This wine sauce is extraordinary, is it a family recipe?” is a gift, because it shows you really tasted it.
In Gabriel Axel’s Babette’s Feast, a small austere community has sworn to say nothing about the food. The film shows how cruel that silence is for the woman who cooked. A guest who enjoys a dish and says so, without excess, gives the finest of gifts.
Knowing when to leave
There comes a moment in every evening when the host begins discreetly tidying, offers a last herbal tea, lets the silences lengthen. The attentive guest senses it and takes their leave, without waiting to be steered towards the door. On a weeknight, do not linger past midnight unless clearly encouraged to.
The note the next day
The next day, say thank you. A message is enough for dinner among friends, but a handwritten note remains the most elegant form after a more formal invitation. A few lines, a precise detail from the evening, and that is all. After a stay of several days, send what the French call a “lettre de château”, a bread-and-butter letter, within the week.
We do not invite back brilliant people. We invite back those with whom the evening was easy.
